2015 is shaping up to be an even busier year than 2014. In order to be successful, I can’t waste time in my usual “process” as my husband Robert calls the self-flagellating, anxiety-ridden sometimes week-long trudge I go through every time I’m working on a creative writing piece or a research paper or putting together a talk. Yes, every goddamn time it goes the same. I sit myself down at my computer and the internal arm wrestle between my bad ass bitch self and that bitch who can't seem to remember my undeniable skills begins:

Oh, why WHY did I go into this line of work? Can I do this? Back of right hand to forehead tilted back and to the side. Feeling faint.

Of course I can do this. I’m a bad ass bitch. What! Closed eye roll coupled with a horizontal counterclockwise half-roll of the neck.

I work for a while (seconds to minutes, depending on the level of anxiety at the start) until I come upon a hitch in the process of the creative writing (what words best describe that thing?), the research paper (how should I frame these results?), the talk (what should I say here?)—and that bitch gains strength. Her trembling wrestling palm begins to look downward.

This continues for several minutes to days, depending on level of anxiety the hitch generates. During this time I will outwardly say, “Fornicate it,” (OK with fewer syllables) and distract myself with a best of 3 online Spades match or a New York Times crossword puzzle or a diabolically difficult Sudoku grid. Netflix movies and sleep loss when it’s really bad.

And then the solution, or at least the start of the solution, comes to me like the flip of a switch. And then I can get back to work. Bad ass bitch slams her wrestling palm down on the table. What! You better ask somebody!

Lather. Rinse. Repeat as needed.

So for 2015, I am resolving to sit with the hitch. To just study it for a while, turn it over in my mind, knowing that a solution exists and that it will come to me as it always does. Without all the self-flagellation. To stick to it.

I practiced this new stick-to-it attitude while writing this post. Resisted the urge to play online Spades eight times. Look at me. I’m growing.